The One Who Got Away

Is there such a thing as postponing a feeling? It always took me more time than some for something to sink in. Either good or bad, things seem to take a while to hit me. I can feel them boiling up and down until suddenly it’s here and like a river flooding over it just takes it all with it.

Life has been easy on me when it comes to losing loved ones. Saying that I have lived 28 years and a quarter, and I have only faced the lost of one, but have cried for many others. Whether you believe in a better place, an afterlife with no more tears, no more pain, no more knots in your throat when you just want to run so fast so everything will disappear. Well, whether you do or don’t...it’s a fact: The thought of someone going is never, ever easy, ever.

Seeing someone you love go through pain is even harder sometimes, because no matter what you do you cannot yank that pain away from them. They have to go through it, it was written in their days, God makes no mistakes and still, it’s so hard.

I feel as if the world has stopped for a little while, as if the Earth is just hanging in there. If you ask me today, what my biggest fear is, I’d say it’s not dying but seeing people go. The bare thought of imagining my life without some people makes me want to die. Ironic? Maybe so.

Although she’s not completely gone yet, much of her light is. I pray for God’s will be done and that everyone’s heart can be comforted by the Almighty strength from above.

It’s funny how I can still hear it, taste it and almost touch that not-so-long ago time…

I love you grandma and always will.

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

How tall is your Mountain?

It came crumbling down… knocking every one off their feet, taking the leaves, the hats, the thoughts, the fears, and somehow shining on all the blurry, yet very much visible, past. Who’d think it had that much power?

It has been a while, and as time heals, it also covers up with dust whatever is underneath. But that does not mean it disappears. It just sits still, as a sleeping rose with a thorn that still aches as you get closer, or when someone gets closer to it… leave it. Do not touch it.

But when it comes a time to face it, blow up the dust and let the sun shine on it, come out to the open, it takes courage and a whole lot of faith to stand up and change what has been for so long.

When the reality feels surreal and it all tastes bitter sweet, when you’re not sure if that’s what you even want, not even slightly, but you’re glad to be over with. When after years and years you stand tall and realize God had a bigger plan after all, somehow all the faith you needed to have to get there, sparkles on a higher kind of faith, the one that can literally move mountains, a faith where you rest assure, there was and there is a place and time for everything under the skies.

It feels weird to be here, writing those words down, as thankful as I am to feel this free, I have been free all along, and the feeling that hit me afterwards only came to show I already knew that, how bright can something get? To be sure of the ground you stand on and to want to stand on it for life is a feeling I wish many around me could experience. And as for today, more than ever, the best part of going… is to come back home.

Something to Believe in

You know when something is just too good, too amazing to grasp even the slightest of thoughts? Just out of reach, shining bright, quietly and warm... and then it happens! With no warning, no headlights, nothing to prepare you to it, and how could you really, prepare for a dream come true?

No matter how many times you think it over and imagine, it is, somehow, always better. To feel it, touch it and live it at last, and then what?

Some people say that after you reach the top there’s only one way to go, down. Others wait for the bad wave coming, after all its life and it is, indeed, a roller coaster ride. I, for once, say at least these minds know what to think. I find myself lost inside a trap of wonderful things, too guilty to step out and exhausted to try and understand the knot inside my heart.

This year has come so fast and while we’re only half trough it, it seems like five years went by, and although I am so very humble and thankful, I begin to hang in infinite threads of thoughts that take me nowhere but the present moment, and why?

Do we always need something to hang on to, or can we, in this case, I, just let go?
Too much of a good thing can really turn your world up-side-down. I just pray and I do pray that I never take any day for granted, no matter where this road takes me, if it takes me anywhere, that is.

Good night to you, lost in your own world, out there.

Where's your heart?

Today, I'll leave you all with this one...

http://www.oliverjeffers.com/picture-books/HEART-AND-THE-BOTTLE

It takes a riot or two...

Sometimes it takes a riot, inside your mind, deep in your heart, out on the streets, to shake that little spark awake and create a fire.
For all the love that you know you have, all the lost reasons and days gone by, for all the seawall walks, the pages written, the countless laughter and tear drops, the bigger plan, the reason for it all, and every step taken.

There is a bigger reason, there is a master plan. I am not here by an accident but by a blessing. Countless prayers, countless thoughts, a love bigger than anyone could ever understand, I am here. This is where I belong.

I once asked, and many times again, that may nothing or no one take me away from the right path, not the easier one, but the right one. And even among good words...came sharp knives, and here I am, one more time, having one thing assure, among a mess that is life.

It still makes me smile to look at your majestic mountains; it brings me peace to stare at the most beautiful skyline of nature and city life mixing together in complete harmony, your rain makes it all greener when the sun comes out again.

I love you Vancouver, and I will never let you go. How your streets make me feel at home, I will never know. How your shady trees embrace me and your heartbeat under my feet brings me new life is a mystery. But I thank you for being, for me, the only place I call HOME.

thankful.

thankful.

thank. YOU.

It is a wall I see?

What do you do when you get to the top of the mountain? Do you reach for higher ground or you dive free falling? Do we always have to have something out of the reach or can we just set a smooth sail?

These days the floor I am standing on seems to be out of shape, moving under my feet and swapping me all over the place, and I am starting to wonder how many times one can actually keep standing when all you want to do is lay there.

I am not sure what I am yapping on, but it’s been blurry. I am finally on the end of a long thread and I can see another one coming. So here I am, trying to pick up the pieces of a long life battle and a long way home. Two completely separate paths and only one way to go.

Suddenly everything I ever wanted seems to be crumbling on, but only inside of me.

Here We Are!

March, 14th 2011

Two years on the dot.
Bring on the rest of my life!

Can't help but smile at the Heavens above...

ps.too much on my mind lately,
way too much to scrabble down.