A whole lot of leavin'

I close my eyes and picture your hand with mine.

As I find myself stuck in between two worlds I wonder how worth it is. Is it really possible to get the best of both worlds? I used to have control over it but right now I have my doubts, and what if I am right?

Times like these make me feel so small and so powerless. Not to be able to be there with one of the most important people in my life. My real friend, my sister by heart, one of the few people that know me completely, my secrets, my fears, my dreams and has always, no matter what been by my side. All I wanted right now was just to be there to hold her hand and I can’t, I am not. And I know she knows right now how much I wanted to give her a hug and tell her it will be okay. How much I am crying with her right now and the way she’s the one I want by my side when this ever happen to me.

They said it would be hard, but they never really tell you how hard it is to have to make all these choices, between your dream and the people that love you for real. The ones that will remain standing when all the rest fade away. All I know is that if I had a choice at this exact moment I would go running without looking back or doubting for even a minute to let go of what I have. It’s just so hard now to have my pot of gold and not be able to share with the ones I love the most.

Never thought it would be this hard. Te amo muito my friend, it may never be completely okay again but I want you to know I will always be there, if not in person, by heart and soul. I know you know how much I wanted to be with you right now. May God be with you at this very moment.

Vancouver, June 21st 2009 Coldplay Concert

Rain of Butterflies!

Come up to meet you,

Tell you I'm sorry,

You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,

Tell you I need you,

Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,

And ask me your questions,

Oh let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,

Comin' up tails,

Heads on the science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,

It's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin',

At numbers and figures,

Pullin' the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,

Science and progress,

Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,

Come back and haunt me,

Oh on I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,

Chasin' our tails,

Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,

Oh it's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm goin' back to the start.

Download:
http://www.coldplay.com/lrlrl/lr.html

I have a thing for ferryboats!

What do you do if it’s raining out? Or if you’re having a lazy day bummin’around with your PJ’s on? Well I watch sitcoms, I like it more than movies I guess, don’t get me wrong I am a big fan of the whole movie scene and big screen with popcorn but I just love sitcoms! It’s actually something I avoid watching because once I start a new one from the very first episode of the first season then I am hooked and I can’t stop watching until I reach that very last episode.

I usually watch some random episodes on TV and that’s it but there’s some that I love so much, every single character and I have all the seasons to watch over and over again, of course I guess everyone’s favorite or at least mot people’s is F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I mean it’s my ultimate favorite, can’t get enough of it. Every time I watch I have a new favorite character, although if I really have to pick I’d marry Chandler like tomorrow so Matt Perry if you’re out there I am available.

And then I started to watch Gilmore Girls which is funny but very intelligent, every time you watch an episode you get a joke in a different way and I love how the girls are not just like the typical small city girls and how their lives do NOT revolve around men and how independent and smart it is. And I might be a big push for how caffeine addicted I am and Lauren Graham is my very personal favorite actress ever, plus if Stars Hollow was nothing but a studio I’d love to visit the Dragonfly Inn.

But why am I making a post about TV shows? Because I just found out I love Grey’s Anatomy and I had to shout it out. It’s got to be the best medical drama ever. I mean E.R. who? Ok hands down to HOUSE which is also a very intelligent but too-heroic-and-too-sarcastic. Grey’s gotta have the best music selection ever and oh the drama! Maybe it’s over the top drama but I love it, plus the Mc eye candy! It’s another very intelligent show and the themes and quotes are very well written.
Anyway I am picky for TV but that’s just great entertainment people, I know I want a Mcdreamy for my Mclife! Ha!

This is now

When the plane landed in Charles de Gaulle it was almost midnight. The metro in Paris closes around this time. By the time I got my luggage and walked past the million hallways leading to the gates, the place was dead, the night was dark and icy cold, like December nights usually are. I was meeting my dad and he wasn’t where we had agreed to meet anymore, probably because my flight was three hours late and he was wondering around looking for me. So I tried contacting him and the hotel where the rest of us were and nothing, no luck. I was all alone in an empty airport with some weird people walking around and with no contact. If there was a right time to freak out it would be it.

So I put myself together and went to look for my dad that had to be somewhere at that airport. I noticed a guy about my age sleeping over his backpack on the floor and I passed him a couple times coming and going with no luck finding anyone or any help. Around 3am I had to stop because I was so tired. That’s when I found a phone in the information booth and called my mom in the hotel to let her know I was alright, after that I just sat down and hoped that my dad was ok and just lost as I was as well.

So as I sat hopeless staring at the floor, the sleeping-on-his-backpack guy came and sat beside me, he saw a Canadian flag on my backpack and started to speak English to me. He told me his story, that a friend had stood him up for New Year’s Eve, that he flew from the States to meet him and he never showed up, that he had no money and no place to sleep because his credit card got stuck into an ATM machine. So there we were, two strangers from two completely different parts of the world that, should these events hadn’t happened to us, would probably just had walked past each other.

He was my angel that night, he distracted me, made jokes when I was getting nervous about not knowing where in the world my dad was, we took turns sleeping, shared some chocolate and morning finally came and we took a cab to my hotel. We helped each other and spent the New Year’s together. My dad was also in the airport but in other terminal. But the thing is, I was not alone, I am never alone, somehow there’s always someone there in the most unexpected ways to pick me up, to talk me through the night, to kiss me better, coincidence? I think not.

It all depends what you believe in, maybe you think we were in the right place at the right time and that it was a pure coincidence that I couldn’t find my dad and that the ATM machine was broken, well as for me I believe that people get in your life in the exact time they’re supposed to and when you most need them to and there’s a reason for everything, for every leaf that falls down from a tree there’s a reason.

We keep trying to change life and what happens, we want things to have happened before, already or maybe later. We're never satisfied with now, I’ve been trying hard to change this in me, to live the moment and savour whatever it is that I am doing wherever I am doing it and whoever I am doing it with because life is short and we will miss this very moment in a little while.

Could be Blue, Could be Gray

The beautiful days in the city I love. It’s been sunny, warm and I tell you there’s no better place to be when the sun is shining on the West side of Canada! I can just walk with no destination whatsoever for hours and hours just around. And then I catch myself smiling almost like a reflex to strangers along the way. What they don’t realize is that I am not really smiling at them but at my life. God it’s good to be back!

As everything in life, everyone experiences things in a different way and time. And I am experiencing Vancouver again, for the second time and although it’s the same city, streets, trees… I am different. I see things in a different way and that makes me see this place in a whole different manner as well. I hadn’t realized I had changed so much. Babbling? Maybe, but it’s the truth. The only thing that never changes is that I always knew from day one that this is where I wanted to be for the rest of my life.

These feelings were rushing through my mind as I was riding a bike all around Stanley Park in a beautiful day, the park was full of people rollerblading, running, biking, sun bathing, having fun and I felt so good, so free, I wish I could put down in words what I felt looking far to the ocean until it joined the sky.

And as for all the new faces in my life right now, I know few will stick but I already know the ones that will like we were meant to be somehow. And how good it is to know you’re not alone in the dreams you’re holding? It’s like we met before it all began. I love this feeling of comfort ground. It’s almost like walking in a cold, soft sandy beach.

I am having the time of my life and I am so happy I didn’t let this slip through my hands as I could have done many times over. Never settle for the path of least resistance, so they say. I don’t care what the weather is, if I’ll get wet or have to run for cover. I am here now and I am so extremely happy I can barely keep my mouth from smiling all day long!

"If you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spetacular!"

Attach vs. Detach

The way up to Whistler from Vancouver is one of the most outstanding landscapes I have ever seen. The mountains are so close to you with the snow on top and the ocean shines with the sun rays. I get overwhelmed looking out of the window, my mind goes far away to the very top of every mountain I see. I feel so small and so happy.

And of course, I lost myself in thought about everything around me and how the pieces are slowly falling back into place, how a different scenario at a same surround is not necessarily bad, and how the things you once feared are so easy to face now. And how, again, time’s been a friend and the normality is starting to set place in my heart again.

.Deep Breath. .Another Mountain. .Closer to the Top.

The thing with me is, I get attached. Not easily, believe me. But I get attach, to a place, to a house, to a gift, and especially to someone. And once I am attached it’s difficult to let go. When I look back the people around me, the ones that actually enchanted me are still around, the same friends and that old and ripped sweater that feels like part of your body. I don’t usually let people in my life, but when I do it’s forever.

That got me thinking about some situations in life when you go too far and get too attached and then it’s so stuck on you that it hurts to detach. You can, of course, let go but it’s not the most fun thing to experience. Then I ask myself, so then why in the world would you ever get attached?

After a silent stare outside of the same window, but with a different mountain staring back at me, I realized that I don’t want to live my life in fear of getting hurt or to have a bunch of “what ifs” and doubts in my mind. I don’t want to leave things unsaid, or not to hug when all I wanted to do was open my arms, I don’t want to be afraid.

I want to live my life in the fullest way I can ever live. And if to be true to myself and the people around me means taking a chance of getting hurt, then so be it. I rather get attached than never knowing how it feels like.

Awesome long-weekend up in Whistler by the way. You rock girlie!

Because I Care

Just came back from an awesome weekend. It was sunny, green and bubbly.
Gotta love the blue skies with the chilly mountain wind and grass under your feet.

How good is it to hang out with people that make you feel at home? Just simple little gestures that make you feel welcome and loved. You laugh, you breathe, you feel happy to be in your skin and it brings you to life.

It’s funny how so many different people fit so well together, kinda completing each other. Times like these make me still believe in people, in how I need to be around love in my life. Not a needy kinda love but just knowing it is there.

And you can be yourself, which is pretty much the best thing in the world. Just be who you are. I am not capable of fake. I either am or not. I either feel or don’t.

I am SO so extremely happy, I can hardly get a grip of how amazing my life is right now.

ps. Feliz Dia das Mães pra melhor mãe do mundo!!!