Believe

The One Who Got Away

2012-01-29T22:24:00.000-08:00

Is there such a thing as postponing a feeling? It always took me more time than some for something to sink in. Either good or bad, things seem to take a while to hit me. I can feel them boiling up and down until suddenly it’s here and like a river flooding over it just takes it all with it.

Life has been easy on me when it comes to losing loved ones. Saying that I have lived 28 years and a quarter, and I have only faced the lost of one, but have cried for many others. Whether you believe in a better place, an afterlife with no more tears, no more pain, no more knots in your throat when you just want to run so fast so everything will disappear. Well, whether you do or don’t...it’s a fact: The thought of someone going is never, ever easy, ever.

Seeing someone you love go through pain is even harder sometimes, because no matter what you do you cannot yank that pain away from them. They have to go through it, it was written in their days, God makes no mistakes and still, it’s so hard.

I feel as if the world has stopped for a little while, as if the Earth is just hanging in there. If you ask me today, what my biggest fear is, I’d say it’s not dying but seeing people go. The bare thought of imagining my life without some people makes me want to die. Ironic? Maybe so.

Although she’s not completely gone yet, much of her light is. I pray for God’s will be done and that everyone’s heart can be comforted by the Almighty strength from above.

It’s funny how I can still hear it, taste it and almost touch that not-so-long ago time…

I love you grandma and always will.

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

How tall is your Mountain?

2011-10-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

It came crumbling down… knocking every one off their feet, taking the leaves, the hats, the thoughts, the fears, and somehow shining on all the blurry, yet very much visible, past. Who’d think it had that much power?

It has been a while, and as time heals, it also covers up with dust whatever is underneath. But that does not mean it disappears. It just sits still, as a sleeping rose with a thorn that still aches as you get closer, or when someone gets closer to it… leave it. Do not touch it.

But when it comes a time to face it, blow up the dust and let the sun shine on it, come out to the open, it takes courage and a whole lot of faith to stand up and change what has been for so long.

When the reality feels surreal and it all tastes bitter sweet, when you’re not sure if that’s what you even want, not even slightly, but you’re glad to be over with. When after years and years you stand tall and realize God had a bigger plan after all, somehow all the faith you needed to have to get there, sparkles on a higher kind of faith, the one that can literally move mountains, a faith where you rest assure, there was and there is a place and time for everything under the skies.

It feels weird to be here, writing those words down, as thankful as I am to feel this free, I have been free all along, and the feeling that hit me afterwards only came to show I already knew that, how bright can something get? To be sure of the ground you stand on and to want to stand on it for life is a feeling I wish many around me could experience. And as for today, more than ever, the best part of going… is to come back home.

Something to Believe in

2011-07-09T22:40:00.000-07:00

You know when something is just too good, too amazing to grasp even the slightest of thoughts? Just out of reach, shining bright, quietly and warm... and then it happens! With no warning, no headlights, nothing to prepare you to it, and how could you really, prepare for a dream come true?

No matter how many times you think it over and imagine, it is, somehow, always better. To feel it, touch it and live it at last, and then what?

Some people say that after you reach the top there’s only one way to go, down. Others wait for the bad wave coming, after all its life and it is, indeed, a roller coaster ride. I, for once, say at least these minds know what to think. I find myself lost inside a trap of wonderful things, too guilty to step out and exhausted to try and understand the knot inside my heart.

This year has come so fast and while we’re only half trough it, it seems like five years went by, and although I am so very humble and thankful, I begin to hang in infinite threads of thoughts that take me nowhere but the present moment, and why?

Do we always need something to hang on to, or can we, in this case, I, just let go?
Too much of a good thing can really turn your world up-side-down. I just pray and I do pray that I never take any day for granted, no matter where this road takes me, if it takes me anywhere, that is.

Good night to you, lost in your own world, out there.

Where's your heart?

2011-06-17T13:27:00.001-07:00

Today, I'll leave you all with this one...

http://www.oliverjeffers.com/picture-books/HEART-AND-THE-BOTTLE

It takes a riot or two...

2011-06-16T15:41:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it takes a riot, inside your mind, deep in your heart, out on the streets, to shake that little spark awake and create a fire.
For all the love that you know you have, all the lost reasons and days gone by, for all the seawall walks, the pages written, the countless laughter and tear drops, the bigger plan, the reason for it all, and every step taken.

There is a bigger reason, there is a master plan. I am not here by an accident but by a blessing. Countless prayers, countless thoughts, a love bigger than anyone could ever understand, I am here. This is where I belong.

I once asked, and many times again, that may nothing or no one take me away from the right path, not the easier one, but the right one. And even among good words...came sharp knives, and here I am, one more time, having one thing assure, among a mess that is life.

It still makes me smile to look at your majestic mountains; it brings me peace to stare at the most beautiful skyline of nature and city life mixing together in complete harmony, your rain makes it all greener when the sun comes out again.

I love you Vancouver, and I will never let you go. How your streets make me feel at home, I will never know. How your shady trees embrace me and your heartbeat under my feet brings me new life is a mystery. But I thank you for being, for me, the only place I call HOME.

thankful.

thank. YOU.

It is a wall I see?

2011-06-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you get to the top of the mountain? Do you reach for higher ground or you dive free falling? Do we always have to have something out of the reach or can we just set a smooth sail?

These days the floor I am standing on seems to be out of shape, moving under my feet and swapping me all over the place, and I am starting to wonder how many times one can actually keep standing when all you want to do is lay there.

I am not sure what I am yapping on, but it’s been blurry. I am finally on the end of a long thread and I can see another one coming. So here I am, trying to pick up the pieces of a long life battle and a long way home. Two completely separate paths and only one way to go.

Suddenly everything I ever wanted seems to be crumbling on, but only inside of me.

Here We Are!

2011-03-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

March, 14th 2011

Two years on the dot.
Bring on the rest of my life!

Can't help but smile at the Heavens above...

ps.too much on my mind lately,
way too much to scrabble down.

Gimme a "It's Almost Here" !

2011-01-21T12:43:00.000-08:00

Any Friday afternoon
at Granville and Georgia,

Its been a long run, a long time with too many words and not enough clarity to write them down. This new year has brought a breath of fresh air. More than half way there in the run, finally.

The day I imagined and worked on my mind for so long is coming by, and everything I've been through seems to fade away, just like when you hold your baby in your arms you forget all the pain,...

Who cares? What happened and the hoops I had to jump, who cares the tears, the sleepless nights, the dread phone calls, every single step of the way has brought me here, and it's mine, I fought for it, I screamed, cried and died a bit for it... and heck it feels good!... To say it's almost mine... I can taste it.
As for the rest, I am thankful for the strenght I have in me, and for the friends that pick up the pieces when I fall, for my family and the skies above.

I feel You move my life everyday.

Off with Their Heads!!

2010-09-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

See, I don’t know why in the world I’d write about this in here, but I guess I need to vent… so here I am stuck in the middle of a one-way street. So much has happened in the last two years that it feels like five years have passed… most of it were good things but some, I swear to you… are driving me insane! It’s been hard these days, to have the strength I need to carry on.

And then I look around and see that many like me, are in the same situation, where the only way out is to turn your back to all you’ve worked for so far, and who’s to say we have to give up our dreams because of randomness people do?

All this rambling on goes to show, especially myself, how much I want this… because if it was any other piece of paper in the world, I’d say: No, but thanks!

Anyway, in this no exit street, I just need to choose which road I want to travel for the time I have left in this, so maybe in a month or so, I’ll come back with an update of my mind, this being I still have one…

when I began to write this blog, I was in the very beginning of a journey…now it’s coming to an end soon and although it’s been a heck of a ride, I can’t wait to slow down and stop this train… to finally step in land.

Oh Canada!

Don't let it get you down!

2010-08-30T18:45:00.000-07:00

It’s a strange place, or a new place to discover. It all depends on the point of view and the eyes staring at it. Caught up in the middle of a glass half full, you see how people are different and how we are all, without exceptions, looking for different things in life.

Even if the culture is the same, the heart ain’t. Sitting in the funkiest coffee shop I’ve ever been I begin to realize how the different attracts me. I never did and never will follow the flow, I still have my beliefs, and my soul is still intact, my heart guarded and giving up is not a word in my vocabulary.

More than half way there, change is a daily basis, I will keep knocking, searching, beating, sweating, crying, till I hold it in my hands…

Prayer. Definitely my army. Here’s the hope that the decisions made are the best ones and the ones affected don’t get too hurt. As for me, I know that the waves won’t flood my boat, only shake it a bit. I am still here, still alive and as far as anything goes in the Maker’s hands. I had no idea I had that much FAITH...

Happy End of August!

28 weeks to go! Hip! Hip!

Ain't everybody just trying to find a way home?

2010-08-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

This song has been growing on me...

Bon Jovi - Happy Now

What would you say to me?
If I told you I had a dream
If I told you everything
Would you tell me to go back to sleep
Take a look in these tired eyes
They're coming back to life
I know I can change
Got hope in my veins
I'm telling you I ain't going back to the pain

Can I be happy now?
Can I let my breath out?
Let me believe
I'm building a dream
Don't try to drag me down
I just want to scream out loud
Can I be happy now?
Been down on my knees
I learned how to bleed
I'm turning my world around

Can I be happy now?
Can I break free somehow?
I just want to live again
Love again
Pick my pride up off of the ground
I'm ready to pick a fight
Crawl out of the dark to shine a light
I ain't throwing stones
Got sins of my own
Ain't everybody just trying to find a way home?

Can I be happy now?
Can I let my breath out?
Let me believe
I'm building a dream
Don't try to drag me down
I just want to scream out loud
Can I be happy now?
Been down on my knees
I learned how to bleed
I'm turning my world around

You're born then you die
It’s all gone in a minute
I ain't looking back
Cause I don't want to miss it
You better live now
Cause no one's going to get out alive, alive

Can I be happy now?
Can I let my breath out?
Let me believe
I'm building a dream
Don't try to drag me down
I just want to scream out loud
Can I be happy now?
Been down on my knees
I learned how to bleed
I'm turning my world around
Can I be happy now?
Ohhhh
I'm turning my world around
Can I be happy now?

It feels like HOME?

2010-07-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

You never know what will trigger it, that’s the truth. Not even knowing it’s there asleep ready to burst anytime, come to surface and bring you tears. What? Well today the homey feeling brought up lots of things on me. Being around love, even if just for a while made me want to expel it, understandable when you don’t want to face it.

Don’t know what to say or if I am making any sense, but all this heat around me and the presence of some people I care about made me sad. How weird is that? I really can’t grasp what is that happened. But I am pretty sure I know where it’s all coming from.
Being that I been having a quite overwhelming week with expectations being raised by no one other than myself, and trying hard to hang on… all of the sudden being in a comfortable and home place made me miss it so much I wanted to leave.

This past couples months have been nothing short than amazing! Lots of things I only really dreamed about came to reality and I am still trying to touch the ground, with that, I know pretty soon the real deal will come knocking on my door, and although I know it will be alright, part of me want it to be summer forever, but truth is…I do miss the rain. Reason why I runaway from where I feel good, without having reasons.

Yeah, break the puzzle on that if you must.

Happy Canada Day!

2010-07-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

To the Nation I chose to live. Happy 143th Birthday! Thankful with all my heart.

Thoughts Overload

2010-06-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

In a world that bumps you here, pushes you there, trips you and embraces you at the same time, it is very hard to keep it up with all the sparkles and lights. We try to hold on and enjoy the ride as much as we can but sometimes it all comes together to overwhelm even the most zen minds.

Everything comes through hard work, at least for most of us mortals, and we have to bust our asses to get places, achieve goals and dreams. It won’t come knocking at your door, so get up and do it. Push, push, push…
Well. I am tired. I want to slow down, look at the ocean, feel the air, blow some bubbles, I usually can take it all at my own pace but some days are just harder than others eh? I don’t remember the last Sunday that I was lazy like this one, just laying around thinking about nothing, taking naps through the day, baking a cake, watching TV, it feels good just to be still for a minute.

This past week brought a lot of things to digest at once, and I got lost in all of it, couple meltdowns later I believe I might be back on track. There’s lots going on and most of it I have no control over so I’ll just wake up, breathe and go, the rest will take care of itself. I can only do my best.

Think. Think. Think. (Repeat).
I rather Be Still. Be. Be. (Repeat).

Livin' on a Prayer!

2010-06-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

One thing that anyone who knows me a bit would tell you about you is that I am a Bon Jovi fan. Not just a regular fan, but a FAN with capital letters. I don’t remember exactly when it began although I remember it was watching a London show on TV about fifteen years ago. Bon Jovi was the reason why I know about 70% of my English vocabulary and why I met wonderful people around the world.

Can’t really tell you only one reason why I love this band, but for me, they are the best band out there and their show is the single best concert someone could ever be with almost three hours of good music and entertainment and the best lead singer on the business! They are a big part of my life and enough of explaining because only a fan understands…

Couple days and hours of sleep ago (having the worst jetlag in history) I was in London for a holiday, as Bon Jovi concerts can be an addiction, the more you go the more you want to, I had to see them live as well as enjoy one of the best cities in the world. Long story short, I got a picture with THE man himself! I don’t usually post private stories and pictures in here, but this one deserves a big frame around it.

Ain’t telling you how and where but if there was ever a meant to be picture, this IS the one! Wish I had some time to chat with him and that my voice would even come out for the matter… I know many people will read this and go “Sheesh what a freak” but I do not care one bit, this man is awesome and his lyrics got me through and still do, so watch me do a happy dance for my smile Jon Bon Jovi picture! Hey Hey!

June 9th, 2010. London, England.

House of Cards

2010-05-31T21:44:00.000-07:00

It’s raining, it’s pouring… as for the looks of it, we are in for a wet first month of Summer. I do, however, hope I am deeply wrong. Got a call from a dear friend today that is tangled up on some things in her life that she caused by accident. She does not deserve anything she’s been going through, but when did life start to be fair?

It just got me thinking, together with last week incident in my life, how fragile we are all relating to each other, how much trust is a fine thread hanging by countless good deeds and ready to burst to any stingy screw up. How quickly we all forget about the way people treated us, made us feel, went that extra mile, held our hands, were there to hug us, and we just turn our backs to them, just like that, like nothing had ever happened or taken place between them.

Sad, better yet, pathetic. How we let those things interfere in our relationships, I myself, am sure to have done that couple times, and it hurts me to think about it. I try to be fair with people and I don’t even know how many second, third and countless chances I gave and been given.

I hate to think people are like seasons in our lives, they come and go, year after year, bringing snow, sun, wind, rain with them and taking it all away leaving us with a chill. I am thankful some are forever, like a big shade tree you always know where they are and how they’ll always embrace you with a nice breeze when you need it. I have my share of shady trees and for that I am glad. But I sure do, once in a while, think about all the other seasons in my life and the way they faded away...

Truth is, we need the rain to learn how to appreciate the sun.
Hence my love for Vancouver!

It ain't Karma, It ain't Luck!

2010-05-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

Heck yeah it’s been a while. Life’s been busy, with little people and long days, when all I want to do is to get home, kick my jeans and dive into bed. So that’s what I’ve been pretty much up to. Of course, once in a while, when everything is way too smooth… you can tell by the calm sea and reckless birds that the storm is coming.
And I tell ya, you never know where it’s going to hit you first. Mine usually hits me from behind, when I least expect it to, taking it all with the waves and leaving me with a mess to clean up, that I, myself, created in the first place.

It comes back to bite you in the ass, right or wrong, it’s a cycle. I should be used to this by now, but every time it hits me it’s a whole different wind that brings back memories and past to the surface. Maybe I should just not trust, period? I do, confess, I have massive trust issues, almost everyone, except my family, that I trusted with something in my life, threw it to my face at some point, and worst, hurting people that have nothing to do with the whole story whatsoever. Let’s hurt each other with damn useless subjects, just for the sake of it.
I am not taking any action this time, I used to, get all worked out, send a stormy e-mail back… creating more mess, hurt, and effin’gossip (the one I despite the most) just let it be, take the time, and close that door shut one more time.

The worst part of it, I tell you, is that I am still naïve enough to care, to be upset over something that has no turning back, and that is because I cannot, simply, dispose people, I can’t just pretend we didn’t have a story and that at a place in time we were friends. Maybe my trusting issue is to trust too much. In any case, from now on and whatever other time that something will, with no doubt, boil up again, I won't take it by heart anymore. I have learned how to outgrow it and not care for careless. I believe that if it's coming back it's because there's still the thought of me that the other side can't let go. So be it. Too bad.

Walk on.

Whose hand is it anyway?

2010-05-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

So, after a whole day lying on the bed, sick and feeling yucky, here I am back again. It’s good to know I have real friends, that will be there for me regardless, some more than others, but still, they’ll be here for me when I need them to. When you live away from so called “home”, you have to learn to do things yourself and be more independent and tough it up. We all do, eventually, learn how to do that, but it’s still comforting to have good friends to help you through.

Now, I am not sure where my life stands at the moment, I am literally living day by day and trying to be positive about the days to come, my plans seem to unravel by themselves, with only the help of my thoughts and whoever hands they’re in. In my case, God. But eh, that’s just me!

Things once looked so complicated and with no way out, all of the sudden become either irrelevant or an opportunity way to go. I, of course, am half way there to my first plan in life, I am already living it, and taking all that I can with me, trying, knocking, kicking, until there’s a way… I feel this year is a good one, and as much nonsense all this babbling means to you on the other side, for me it is all so clear.

Life’s a big and beautiful scout’s knot! You gotta try to find the best way and go through the hoops without letting it tangle you, even if sometimes you stumble, there will always, and no doubt about it, a thread for you to hang on to, either it’s a friend, a song, a city, a goal, just hang on tight, as F. once said, it is indeed a bumpy ride!

If you think I blab, oh friend, try this one!

http://jhnmyr.tumblr.com/

Bless You!

2010-04-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was Earth Day, and what have you been doing? Vancouver was elected the greenest city in North America, not speaking about the amount of nature, but the effort of people doing their part to be “green”! Yes, it is indeed a huge planet and we cannot change the world all at once, but if every one of us do a little then a lot can be done!

From turning off the TV when you’re out of the room to taking a walk instead of the car, you are already doing something to save the planet for the next generations to come, I confess sometimes commodity keeps me from doing all I can, but I do, indeed, try to do a bit everyday to conserve all this beauty that I love so much!

We did have a bit of a reminder, couple weeks ago, when a “sneeze from God” as the newspapers here were referring to got all the European flights grounded and the economy shaken, events like that come to show us how fragile and small we are before this massive planet we live in.

The perfect day for me is to walk on the green grass barefoot staring at the oceans and mountains, to lay down and breath the fresh clean air, and I don’t ever want to take this all for granted, and I do want my children, grandchildren and on… to have the same green days I have right now… so with that in mind… Happy Earth Day! It’s everyone’s home.

Greenest City!
http://vancouver.ca/greenestcity/cityservices.htm

Show us your Backyard!

2010-04-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

Getting too much fresh spring air can set your brain off to wonderland, and although I did not meet Hatter, much to my disappointment, I did find inspiration.

It doesn’t matter what inspires you, as long as you do something about it… so my partner in crime Marina and I decided to start a project. Because we are not naïve enough to think we can indeed change the whole world, we decided we’d change our world, and whoever’s world this all rubs in to.

http://startinyourbackyard.blogspot.com/

“Start in your Backyard” has its motive to change the world indeed, starting from wherever you are on the planet, no matter what country, city, if you are with friends or alone, it just take a bit of will to take the first step.

Our project has its action and purpose, we will go around Vancouver’s beaches, parks, trails, mountains, cleaning up any garbage someone could have left behind and we will also and most importantly spread the message of love for nature, for your city, for your backyard…

We do truly hope that the people we meet along the way can be touched in any way by our message, even if it brings them only a smile it was worth the cause!

There's this side of me...

2010-04-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

Laying on the greenest grass at Kits beach this evening, with the sun shining down on me and letting all the noise around me fade I couldn’t help but breathe in and out the life inside and around me. It’s so good to be alive!

See, couple months ago, most precisely when I came back to Canada after visiting my family back home I entered a weird mode of transition in my life, a thing that have been inside of me since always but that would only sometimes come to surface, started to boil and brainstorm my mind when the airplane left the Sao Paulo ground.
Don’t ask me what trigged it, I wouldn’t be able to tell you and I stopped trying to find out. It doesn’t matter what thread it hangs on go to, but how I would roll it back in. The mortality fact in life caught up with me, and I have no flipping clue why. Maybe it was the fact that I live far away from my family, it is what it is I guess. It caught up with my mind, not with me, per say, I am very much alive thank you.

This fear of not being able to control time and hang on forever to people around me give me a sensation in my belly like someone is pressing really hard on it and I can’t get off…my throat closes up and I cannot take any deep breathes anymore. Panic mode on.
But then, you open your eyes, look around you…breathe…and realize it has always been like that in all the history of humanity, that life is a circle and it will always be, you only have one life (that’s what I believe) and you have to try and live it as much as you can. Now I also believe that there’s more to it after this Earthly life. But that’s nor here or there…and I won’t get all after-life in here today, but that my friends, is the power that got me over all this nonsense I was feeling.

I, then, stopped trying to understand wonders and powers that are greater than me. And just had to learn to trust, again, in the One that I have as my guidance and protector. I don’t know if you do, or do not believe in a greater power, but we do indeed need to live our lives to the fullest, every single day, spending our time with people that really matter.

And anyway, I wasn’t even going to write any of that, but the laying down on the grass today made my writing cells wake up. I would like to add here, that there is a side of me, a big-pounding-heart-fan side of me, that few know…and because it is only a part of me and not my whole self I decided to share on a blog, the journey of being a fan. And I come here, to share with you my readers from around the globe, a bit of my sidekick and most well paid therapy in the world…

http://mysweetjovilife.blogspot.com/

The more you live...

2010-04-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

The more you want to. Spending my mornings talking and seeing the world through the tired and beautiful blue eyes of a ninety-seven years old has made my days. It seems like every sentence spoken is out of a book and the wisdom is hidden between the lines. “So is everything that is worth” was the first thing she said to me while talking about how life can be hard and funny that way. It’s something completely different than anything I have ever experienced. I’ve never been around such a sweet, alive and smart old lady in my life, I think I am in love with her and all she has to tell me.

Life is funny that way, as she says all the time, you end up going through things you never thought you would have to, you wait and worry about things that then will resolve themselves, you fight and cry but then you lay your head and see everything was worth the climb. You will wake up to days that all you want to do is close your eyes but still you know you love to live. The use of the word “funny” as oppose to “bad, weird, unfortunate, hard” awe me a bit, I believe that looking back on her life now, the good times stuck more than the bad ones and she has learned how to deal with them. I hope I do as well. I believe I am doing a pretty good job so far, except some self-hysterical-inside-my-mind episodes of WHAT AM I DOING IN MY LIFE, yeah so far so good.

The hardest part of having a long life like she did is to see people around you go; it really pretty much depends on what you believe in life and whether you think you will then see them all again, but still it is so damn hard. Once someone asked me what my biggest fear was, and after giving it a thought too many I came to the conclusion that I have no fears, I only dread the day I will have to face people around me going. And just the thought of it makes my stomach hurl. I guess I rather go than let them go, but eh it is not up to me and I will just trust completely.

I don’t know why exactly I am writing those words today, it’s been a very cold and dump April so far, life has been taking good turns, so good I am afraid to look at it and scare it away. It seems that Easter has brought new life indeed, including to my life. Things are back on track and I am following it, except today at 7am in the morning when I let myself, once again, get a bit crazy, but as Helen my new old friend says… “Life is too short, when you wake up one day you are ninety-seven so live it”. Couldn’t have followed her advice any better today. Not worried about it!

Oh, and here are some pictures of the Vancouver Olympic Village as promised ;)

John Mayer, Vancouver April 1st 2010

2010-04-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

Why Georgia

I am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on me
but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
still "Everything happens for a reason"
is no reason not to ask myself

If your're living it right
Are you living it right?
Are you living it right?
Why, tell me why
Why, why Georgia why?

Agito !

2010-03-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

Meet the three agitos, the symbol of the Paralympics.
Agito is Latin for "I move" or "Spirit in Motion"

As we say goodbye to the biggest Paralympic Games in history, we are left with smiles, cheer, tears and the power of the human being of overcoming anything and everything life throws our way.

The will to turn something tragical into something magical and to set an example to the world, that you can do everything you set your mind to and that impossible is just a word.

The Olympic games itself already showed us how far we can actually go when there’s an inner will, but for me, personally, there was something even more special about the Paralympics. Each and every athlete had a life story, some were born with disabilities, others faced our worst nightmares situations and they all rose above it.

They all have an extra inch of strengh to go all the miles they need, to climb every mountain and break any cliche – prejudice – thinking that is around. I got the chance to meet athletes from all over the world volunteering at the Vancouver Olympic Village and this has enlarged my mind in many ways.

I am proud to have been part of this dream and to have cheered for everyone, with no discrimination. I believe during this two weeks of games the whole population opened their eyes to the inclusive, to the different, to the acceptance of it all, it was amazing to be there for the cheering and the crowded stadiums and to be one with everyone, cheering for one nation without judging the disabilities but instead being amazed of what them can do with it.

Congratulations to all the Paralympic Athletes to have the courage of raising above all the ashes and shine on our lives, you all inspired me to more.

Un Année!!

2010-03-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

thankful.

to be back where I belong.

thank You for every day.

thank You for every breath,

every rain drop,

ray of sunshine,

and for the many years to come

ahead of me.

Go Blue Team!

2010-03-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

If you watched the Winter Olympics in Vancouver this February or were in town for the fun, you’ve probably come across the blue team workforce! With more than 2.500 volunteers all across the city and mountains, they were all over, rain or shine, to do their best to help the Olympics be a success. Some of them were Vancouverites, some from across Canada and some from all over the world that came to the city to give a helping hand and be part of this experience of a lifetime!

Personally, I love to volunteer! To help out, meet new people, have fun, do and learn different things, you get so much out of it you don’t even realize. I find that, when you love the city you’re living in, that’s when you want to do more and be part of whatever it is that is happening…that’s why I, myself am from the blue jacket team!

To be a volunteer for the teams coming to Vancouver from all over the world, inside the Olympic Village, showing them the city and a bit of how life is up here is priceless! I wish that would be forever my day job, especially with that view of the False Creek staring back at me! Never been so proud to wear a jacket in my life!

Now, if you’re thinking “that’s so cool, wish I could do it”, we do still need hands!
http://www.vancouver2010.com/

Half of my Heart

2010-03-07T20:05:00.000-08:00

All this come and go in life has made me realize that I was lucky enough to find the place I belong the second time I stepped out of an airplane, the real first time on my own. To walk down the streets and discover everytime at your own pace and find out how much you belong. This feeling will always remain in my heart, and wherever I go I will bring I with me. I also figured out that harder than leave for good, is to come back to where you left from, I can’t yet put my finger on it to realize what it is that torned my heart as my plane took off.

This is far to be the last post of this subject, but it will be for a while, as we all know life is made of choices, and every single choice you make since you wake up can transform your day and sometimes your life. My choice brought me to the only place in the world where I can breathe in and out knowing it’s for real, it brought me hope and dreams I could never have dreamed anywhere else, it was chosen for me, it was waiting for me all along, and that thread kept me hanging to what is now HOME.

The balance between two worlds is what I have been struggling to achive lately, the missing out part is what I can’t really let go, the missing out on the people that I left on the other side, Brazil will always be home too, where I was born, raised and became what I am. It’s hard to let go of a world that has who you love in, you’re somehow always attach to it, even tough you know where you want to be and stay, part of your heart is always beating on the other side.

Until these two worlds collide, I will keep leaving pieces of my heart along the way and letting the time settle the “getting’used to”on my days, you’d think it’s about time for me to know how to deal with those feelings, but no, I don’t. They just hit me differently everytime I guess. Almost a year that I am back in here, so much happened I can’t even fit in only this frame of time, the important thing is I’m half way there…
and I know He has a plan!

Do you Believe?

2010-02-01T19:33:00.000-08:00

In less than ten days the biggest city of the west coast of Canada is opening its streets and heart to the world. The city is ready, the people are ready, wherever you look there are banners and maple leafs, more than ever the Canadian pride is in the air. People walking down the streets make sure to show the world where they come from, the most friendly country of the world is opening its most laid back city to the Winter Olympics.

Apart from the mess of streets and school being closed, touristic attractions being used as other country showcase, and the amount of money used to build a whole new skytrain line that connects downtown to the airport, a whole set of buildings to be the Olympic village, fare free street cars that take the athletes back and forth and constructions all over the city, most of the population seem to be thrilled with the idea of being a host city. I know I am!

I understand that much of the money spent on Vancouver for the Olympics could be used towards something else, and it’s always like that, wherever country that hosts the Olympic will be criticized by some of its population for spending money on something not so urgent, but in my opinion that was all very good for the city, you look around and it’s even prettier, if that’s even possible, things that had to be done for a while, got done! And after the games are over, and the whole world had a taste of the best place on Earth, they’ll all go home and we, the population of Vancouver, will stay home living in a even better place!

So let the games begin!
And let Vancouver shine to show the world how splendid we can be!

http://www.vancouver2010.com/

If I were a Disney song

2010-01-27T21:20:00.000-08:00

Random,but so true!

A Whole New World

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

Finding Neverland

2010-01-20T21:43:00.000-08:00

Peter Pan Syndrome: “Puer Aeternus is Latin for eternal child, used in mythology to designate a child-god who is forever young; psychologically it refers to an older man whose emotional life has remained at an adolescent level, usually coupled with too great a dependence on the mother. The puer typically leads a provisional life, due to the fear of being caught in a situation from which it might not be possible to escape. He covets independence and freedom, chafes at boundaries and limits, and tends to find any restriction intolerable.”

As you study and deal with children you come to understand their behavior, you try to see the world trough their little eyes and open minds, it’s a beautiful, innocent and colorful world that we’ve all seen someday. As you watch them grow up, you can still see faces and traces of what they were as a little child, some were gone and some will probably be in them forever. It was proven that the first four years in a child’s life is where they build their personality and values, everything they taste, touch and experience will be with them for the rest of their lives, even if they cannot remember, it’s there and it makes a huge difference.

Most of us here heard about Peter Pan, the boy that never wanted to grow up, so he ran away from home and found Neverland where he could always be whoever he wanted to be, it’s one of my very favorite books, that being said I very much relate to this book, I didn’t want to grow up, I loved being a kid and everything about my childhood, even the smell of it bring me nostalgia. Well I got over this feeling; I had to grow up, to face the world and whatever it brings me. But I often find myself thinking back and smiling, I can’t let go.

As for now, being a so called grown up sucks in many ways, having to figure out life is as scary as anything, not knowing what is going to happen, as exciting as can be, is also frightening, as bold as you can be in this life I believe everyone still needs a hug, a pat on their back, and someone to tell them “it’s going to be okay, tomorrow is another day, just go to sleep now”. And when we understand that there’s still a lot of the kid that we were, inside all of us, we will then begin to see the world in a simpler way again and accept our down sides, and just be whoever we are.

That is, until we each find our neverland.

The more I know people…

2010-01-17T20:44:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a little girl I’ve had a tendency to isolation. Not the emo-cut-my-wrist-open kind of drama, but I’d often play by myself, my own games, my own rules, no one to point the finger, mess up my coloring crayons or win over me. And I was happy, just like that. There were times, of course, that I would play with other kids but I had no problem, and actually preferred playing alone.
As I grew up things changed a bit, but I am still very picky with anyone I let in my life, most only see the surface and I can count on my fingers who really knows me, as I really am. I don’t believe I am a hard to like person, I’m actually very easygoing and cool with everyone, as long as you don’t off me, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. It's always more friendly in two...

As life goes on and you lose your innocence, you figure out that not everyone that came closer to you was your friend, not everyone was at your side, and that few would stand up and remain by you when you need most. You also learn, that you will most definitely not be able to please everybody that come your way, and you will then stop trying, and let go. It’s still hard for me to let down the people I love, but I’ve learned to do it, as harsh as it is, it’s completely okay to say NO, to please you for a change. That’s the rule I go by these days. I see who I want and get out of my way only for the people that really matters. I am who I am, certainly not changing for anybody so love me or leave me.

Good thing is, you’ll bump into the ones that will stick, in the stickiest way, down deep in your heart, ones that will be your friends, your right hand, for whenever and wherever you need them. And those few are the ones that still make you believe in smiling to a stranger on the streets, to get out of your way to help out someone you don’t know very well, to give it a chance, to meet new and different people, because you never know the ones that will stick and the ones that will fade…here’s for the real friends out there, that love you for who you are! I know I am lucky enough to have them in my life!

“What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
and I'll try not to sing out of key…”

Do your part, if you can't donate money, donate your time with a prayer:
https://msf.donorportal.ca/MSFEN/Donation/DonationDetails.aspx?_L=en-CA/G=21/F=545/T=GENER

What goes around

2010-01-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

Dear 2010 be good to me. That’s what everyone is asking about…there’s nothing different than a week before but it’s a brand new year and like a white sheet of paper in front of you, it’s time to get writing! Just like the first day of school when you have all the new pens and pencils and you want your notebook to be so pretty and neat, just like the feelings of most people when we turn to a brand new year. And may it be good to all of us.

The first day of 2010 for me was a kick in the pants, hangover and I remember tequila…I also remember thinking where I was last year January first and if I ever thought I’d be standing here a year later. Truth is I did, waking up in Vancouver to a brand new year of open doors, opportunities and brand new things is where I wanted to be, so here I am. Needless to say the plan remains the same, almost a year closer to the project of my life, I have a feeling this year will fly by…

If there was one thing that last year taught me is that things come around, they come full circle, but they also come in the right time. Most of them you’ll have to get off your bum and fight for, they won’t just knock at your door, but when you get it, the feeling you’ll have when holding in your hands, it’s pretty much as if the world stopped for a second. Some are just not meant to be, it doesn’t matter how many times you knock at the same door, if it’s not your door it won’t open, and try not to knock it down because you’re just going to get hurt, and then there’s those things that just come your way, because you needed it, because it was time or just because they realized that what goes around it’s almost always not the real truth.

It’s been a very warm winter up in the west coast, some days are sunny and you breathe in get out of the house and remind yourself why you’re actually here so it lasts for when the rain hits hard, it’s been pouring…but still not enough to make me fly South, maybe only for three weeks *sigh* ta ta!

And I thank YOU God for every single brand new day I wake up to

because I know that I only AM because of YOU.

http://darebelieving.blogspot.com/2009/04/stare-or-jump.html

Last One!

2009-12-31T00:04:00.000-08:00

last day of 2009...
Happy New Year!

Within Me

2009-12-21T10:49:00.000-08:00

Sipping coffee with the sound of pouring rain tapping on my bedroom window, so much for the last post of the year like I said before eh?!
I find Christmas to be so exciting, if you look beyond the craziness of the malls and people rushing to get last minute gift, it is beautiful. The lights, the music, people seem to glow a bit; there’s good food, presents, hugs, family and all the good time. There’s also a bit of nostalgia for me. I feel kind of bummed for some strange reason, emotional I guess.

I remember when everyone used to live at one place, just this sentence got me choked, my grandparents, parents, sister, cousins, uncles and aunts, everyone at one place, together. It was loud, there was running and laughter and I miss it. My grandpa dressed as Santa and since we never had a chimney he would jump over the gate, chuckle, good times, I can still smell it.

Christmas is still good, there’s still family but it’s always different, didn’t help my mom set up the tree this year, the whole family is not together anymore, at least not entirely, and I know I brought that upon me, far to be complaining, but I guess the little annoying pain in my chest that came with December will set camp for the holidays, and as much as I try I can't get rid of it. I’m homesick, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, or isn’t it?

How littlest of me to think like that, then some thoughts hit me big time, I am where I wanted to be but the pieces I spread around call me home at this time. Yesterday morning I woke up with the strangest feeling of missing out, and here I am living my choices I made, it’s my responsibility, just mine. It might sound a bit morbid but I, then was with someone that was feeling the hit much more than me, the person she misses will never spend another Christmas with her, and that was just like cold water, right there to lift my spirit and even make me feel bad for feeling the way I feel.

It will be sunny tomorrow, and I hope the real meaning of this beautiful day can wash away all this I’ve been feeling.

Merry Christmas! Be close to who you love.

Hear! Hear!

2009-12-17T22:21:00.000-08:00

One more year is coming to an end, and it has been one of the most eventful years of my life, things got into a speed ever since the seconds turned into a brand new year, I still remember the countdown and everyone around me, I remember wishing for Canada with all my heart, it came to life.

Then I took off, saw my little girl, met amazing people, re-met some others, got close and apart, made some choices and let them go, started school again, had visitors from all over the place, had one of the best summers, seen Vancouver in all the seasons over and over, had high happy days and also meltdowns, found out who I can really count on, said goodbye for real, had scary moments, faced my choices like never before.

Worth it. It’s good to be back, good to be home where I wanted to be since the beginning, be careful what you wish for (so they say) I am happy in my own skin and it’s good to know where I step when my feet are on the ground. So here’s for my last post of this year, may 2010 bring whatever it has to bring. I’m ready and kicking, hear hear!

Cleanse and Rinse

2009-12-01T17:32:00.000-08:00

Like most things in life, sometimes it’s time to cleanse. Shake off the dust, get some fresh air. Thinking about it, come out for air is the best term here. Get rid of the clothes you no longer wear or those that remind you of bad days, get rid of some numbers on your facebook that are there just because, of a bad hair color, bad habits and thoughts. Just feel light and clean not only inside your closet.

After a while you start to get used to some things and people in life, and we need to be careful not to settle for the not-so-great situations because when you finally break free and come out to breathe you realize that a way-out is all you needed. This all came up to me while I was packing and realized how much stuff one can accumulate, things never wore, things you keep just in case or because there’s some feeling related to it.

As much as you want to throw them out or pass it along, some things you just can’t get rid of and you know I started to think that’s just as it is in life. Honestly there are some moments you can’t let go even when you should and some people that are no longer in your life but still, somehow come up in your mind once in a while.

Even tough it sounds cliché, my resolution this year will be to let go of anything or anyone that is holding me back somehow, in any aspect or area of my life. More than I already do so. I am no longer keeping any clutter.

"No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off
and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in... "

The Great White North and I

2009-11-17T23:59:00.000-08:00

Since I seem to be too wired to sleep today due to my three cappuccinos I might as well just use my time and write. This past weekend was my eight month anniversary back in Canada. I thought I should take some time to write down how I ended up in the North lands of Canada!

Once upon a time (because every good story begins like this) I wanted to experience life in a different country, so I went for an interchange in the US for high school and fell in love with English, so everything in my life pretty much revolved around it, I started my major in University in Arts and Languages and also started to teach. A little later I wanted to travel again (because just like a tattoo once you set foot in a different land you can never stop) so I started to look into many au pair programs, because all I wanted was to spend a year away from home and by myself.

I found a website, nowadays known by many, and started to browse for families all over the world, I didn’t really have a specific place I wanted to be, I just knew I wanted to go. Finally I decided I was going to New Zealand to spend a year with this super cool family, I was very excited and making plans, it was kinda hard to choose, I was between Auckland, London or Melbourne. But I had made my decision and the family sent over half of the money for the airfare.

Then all of the sudden I get this e-mail, “family from Canada has just added you to their hot list” (I bet now you know what website I’m talking about) I knew nothing about Canada, apart from the fact that it was cold, and above the US… I already had a position so I didn’t pay much attention to it. So I opened my e-mail and there was an e-mail from the same family, talking a little about their family, their life and at the very bottom there was a picture of a little girl.

Now, needleless to say I sent the money back to the New Zealand family and took a flight to Canada. And it was far the best decision I’ve ever made. I stayed in Canada for a while and it changed my life. It changed me for better, my way of see the world, my attitude, my goals in life; it opened my eyes to a world that I didn’t know it was out there.
Eventually I had to go back to Brazil to close some doors I left opened, and although against my wish it was good to go back, to make sure this was really what I wanted. To finish what I had to and give it another start.
So after three long years, after having Canada coming my way by accident, I am back for good. Back to where I always felt I belong to, to in my opinion the best place on Earth. I am back where I always wanted to be, and even if sometimes I doubt this and that, the core of it is never changing. I love Canada and always will.

Few words: Now after my open letter, lots of things changed in my life during my time back home, and although Vancouver is still the same (except now we have Canada line and the Olympics!) I am not. I changed, I learned and grew up in many ways, and I just found out about it when I was back here. What use to be essential now is a choice, what used to be ideal now is a point of view, so much less mean so much more nowadays, I’ve seen more and I learned how to find the good everywhere you are. I’ve also learned in a very hard way that once you go wherever once you come back it’s never the same, and you will always, without a doubt, miss someone all the time. But that should not stop you from going. You will always have sunshine but also the days you cry with the rain, nothing is certain in life but are the product of your choices.

Few things I am sure in life, one of them is CANADA!

Pieces and Crumbles

2009-11-12T23:24:00.000-08:00

Unpredictability, one of life’s best gadgets…or not? Having the hardest time here to answer this question myself. “Make plans, but make them in pencil” there’s never been a most useful statement for this very moment, truth is you never know what’s waiting for you around the corner, what life’s gonna bring you in a silver tray and you will have no choice to just pass it along. No, no, no you’re gonna have to swallow it down. Either good or bad, it is what it is.

Among everything that life throws at you, some will lift you up and some will break you down, and as we learn to call it as we see, we also start to build up on all these pieces of us that are either high or on the floor. All of the sudden you have your handful and then what? Scream, cry, sleep on it, storm off, over-think, whatever gets you kicking and back on your feet.

It all depends on how you look at it; some say that for those who feel, life is tragic and for those who think, it’s comic. Maybe we all need to find the balance between the comical and tragic, if there’s a line it’s a silver one. When life sucks to its max and that tiny little cloud seems to be raining only down your head, shake it off, look around it rains down on everyone, no exceptions… while we wait for the sun we’re gonna have to get wet, for some things there’s really no way out. Grab your umbrella and step outside because life doesn't wait for the weather to get better!

FEAR, what a little thing?

2009-11-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

The fall has definitely arrived in Vancouver, most of the leaves are on the floor, the days are getting shorter and scarves, gloves and boots are everyday accessories now. It has also started to rain, you no longer see people on the streets but umbrellas. After the pumpkin carving and Halloween fun we’re left stuffing our face with chocolate and hot cocoa under a blanket. I love the colors of the fall in a sunny day, but this darker weather has been getting to me. It’s been a while that I don’t experience it, so my mood is trying to adjust with the season. And of course, everyday get sticky, yucky and sneeze.

It’s been windy and you can see the leaves flying about from the trees and getting stuck everywhere… but what’s really going around these days more than the H1N1 flu is the fear of it. No one seems to know exactly what to do about the flu shot, and as the line ups at the clinics get longer and more people get symptoms, the things just get worst. The swine flu pandemonium is out! While some believe that’s some government knack to approve medical, others believe it’s the pharmaceutical area that want the money, everyone including myself keep going back and forth in this nonsense.

Side effects? No more so than any other shot I’d say. I guess after listening to what many people have to say I’ve made up my mind and I will go for it and get a poke. If there’s a way to protect your body… than why make it go through it?

More information about the H1N1
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/alert-alerte/h1n1/index-eng.php

Maaah Cranky Bear!

2009-11-04T20:35:00.000-08:00

Couple days ago my little girl turned 9! And if she only knew what she is and can be in her life and the difference she makes in everyone around her, she’d shine even more.
I still remember the little blond hair miss attitude 3-year-old that came into my life and turned my days into sunshine, I can still hear her little steps coming down stairs to my room holding her Pooh Bear, to wake up with her sleeping by my side because she had a bad dream, her awesome personality bigger than herself and if there’s one thing she taught me is that love can overcome oceans. It really can.
She’s one of the main reasons I am back here now and she’s part of me and will always be. So happy birthday to the love of my life! I can’t wait to see you everyday in a little while…

U2 Concert, Vancouver October 28th 2009

2009-10-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme...

to mate or not to mate?

2009-10-20T19:37:00.000-07:00

It’s sad to see that in a world that women have come such a long way some people still judge your success and happiness in life based only on your love life. It doesn’t matter if you went to University, speak five languages, work for a big company, have many close friends, travel around the world, take big steps in life and manage to be independent and knock out a different game everyday, there’s always going to be the questions coming your way.

Don’t get me wrong, as a friend recently said to me I am a relationship person, but I love myself more than a facebook status. No one should be in a hurry to get married and have children; instead everyone should figure out themselves first to then be able to share it with someone. Of course, there will always be those who fall in love in high school and mate for life, if it works for them then that’s good. But it didn’t work for me, I needed freedom much more than that.

If I take a little trip back in my life I can see how a serious commitment would have held me back, how I was not ready to let go of my goals just yet, and I don’t expect people to get it, I am happy with myself and loving where I stand. And let’s remember marriage is a choice and not an only way street. I am certain that it will come a day when someone will be worth to compromise, but until that day comes… I ain’t worried.

Cheers to that!

Sweet Addiction

2009-10-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

You are alone in your car and when their song plays you turn it up as loud as you can and scream from the top of your lungs, you wake up early on your day off because they are playing a new hit at some TV show, you subscribe to their newsletter so you know all that’s going on, you follow and reply to their tweets, you have all their CDs and DVDs and you also download the songs from iTunes, you don’t care how much the first row ticket is all you know is that you have to be there, you know their wife, kids, uncle and dog’s name, when you are at their concert and they play your favorite song you actually feel they’re playing just for you (you actually think the lyrics were based on your life) , when you were a teenager you had posters of them all over your wall and you dreamed how your kids would look like, if they don’t play a concert at your city you’ll travel to Finland (if needed) to see them, you camp outside the arena so you can be center stage, you listen to the same song so many times you know it by heart, you know songs that not even the band know how to sing anymore, you count down the days for the new album release, you spend hours on youtube watching live videos from all over the world…

Sounds familiar? If any of the things I said up there fits in then welcome to the fan life! I am not here to say what’s right or wrong, even because I am a huge fan of a band and I feel I’ll always be. Their lyrics and song have been part of my life and the way I feel when I am at their show is something only I know. If it’s a drug so let it be my sweet addiction, if it makes you feel good, I say do it!

“We weren’t born to follow, come on and get up of your knees, when life is a bitter pill to swallow you gotta stand up for what you Believe!”

How free is our world?

2009-10-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

As you walk down Vancouver you see, literally, people from all different parts of the world. Some are tourists, students and others are here to begin a new life. Now Canada is a country built by immigrants, everyone you meet that was born in here have parents or at least grandparents from somewhere in the globe. That’s a good mix if you think about it, since I was not born here I still feel like I belong in here.

I am sure if you’re reading this wherever you are right now you could also see many cultures in your city and it’s good to see that people are going out there to see the world and learn on their own and not from books what the different is all about. But what aren’t we seeing here?

On the corner of West Pender and Thurlow, in the heart of Vancouver there’s the United States consulate. Just the other day I stopped for a coffee and some people watching, just right on that corner of all places and I saw this line up of people holding documents and being bossed around by a Chinese door man and of course, those people were applying for visas. Been there done that. And of course, the US is not the only country to ask for a visa but it is certainly the most terrifying one to ask for with the ten print and American wannabe door men, not to mention the rates of visa denials.

A visa is an indication that a person is authorized to enter the country which "issued" the visa, subject to permission of an immigration official at the time of actual entry….The possession of a visa is not in itself a guarantee of entry into the country that issued it, and a visa can be revoked at any time.

Now what makes me mad is how in the world someone can have the power of NOT letting you go freely in your own world? Yes it’s all very organize with the nationalities, taxes and labels but I am completely and 100 percent against the visa process nightmare that one have to go through to travel around a supposed “free world”. I’ve been in a lot of countries and I do think immigration check is necessary in a world of war – don’t even get me started on that – but it’s gotta be some other way to screen people. The right of come and go should be a human right because if you take a little trip to the south to see how not human the Brazilians are treated to see Mickey Mouse you’d take your kid to the Disneyland in Paris.

This is not a specific criticism to one country but to the whole visa issue, I had my share of that and I have seen many people shattered by it and it’s as bitter as it sound. I just want to say for the record I have friends from all over the world and I respect and care for every one of them, Americans, Canadians, Brazilians, Germans…we have to begin to act like ONE.

Mother Bridge of Love

2009-10-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

Most of us were lucky enough to come to this world having a family, being the traditional mom, dad and siblings, step-parents, grandparents... we had the right of being children, to play, go to school, have tantrums, listen or not (because we knew our parents would love us no matter what) pick what we wanted to eat, what clothes to wear, what theme we wanted for our birthday party that was filled with people, presents and balloons.
Imagine not having that. Imagine not knowing family, never having the comforting hug from a mom and a dad to teach you how to fly a kite, imagine going to bed every night wondering how it would be and what it was. Just the thought of it make my world crumble. Family is the foundation of a life and being corky or not we were all or most of all blessed enough to have one.
Being able to experience adoption so close for the first time I begin to see things in a different way, the belonging of a child and parents that did not form it. It amazes to see how well they belong together as they were meant to be. I believe they were. If you look at it at first you’d think how lucky this child was being adopted and having a new life (she was indeed) but so were the people who got to be mom and dad.

Once there were two women
Who hardly knew each other
One you do not remember
The other you call mother
Two different lives shaped to make yours one
One becoming your guiding star
The other became your sun
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live in it
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it
One gave you nationality
The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears
The age old questions through the years;
Heredity or environment -which are you the product of ?
Both my darling – both
And two different kinds of love!

So they say it's your birthday!

2009-10-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

Staring down another year of my life, it’s been a heck of a ride. So many things came together and some undone. The thing that I wanted the most finally happened and here I am… far to be completed but so happy. To know where I stand and to be living a plan for my life, not living for it but it’s certainly something that will set my path for a brand new life! I grew up, not old, but in many ways, I am not the same and everyday something else sparks in a different way. I’ve learned to wait, that you will never please everyone, that the world is such a small place, that you can be in different places at the same time, that love remains, that it will happen somehow, that there’s such a thing as miracles, that family is the most important thing ever, period. I’ve learned how good it is to have people you can rely to and I’ve lived something I’ve been picturing in my mind for three long years and to hear that “Juuuuuuuulie” at the airport made every second of my wait fade away, I’m blessed in so many ways today I can’t begin to put in words, I’m thankful and proud to be strong and to have my God watching over every step I take, not right now or in a little while but every second of my life. So here’s for the next 26 and more to count. Welcome to the best years of your life…

Sorry Oprah!

2009-10-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

Rio Olympics 2016! I'll be home :)

What I don't want to lose along the way

2009-09-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

Essence, in my opinion, all that one is made of. You are a little bit of where you’re from, a whole lot of your parents, some of your surroundings, your prizes, your pain, the people that spent your whole life with you, the ones that spent one afternoon, the sunny days when you close your eyes and hear the laughing, the rainy drops on the window when you lose yourself in wonder, you are a little bit of every fragment of life you’ve experienced since your first cry. You are who you chose to be, the moments you chose to hold on to and the ones you let it go.

If you think about it, the more you see the less you know and as much as it is important to go we should remain us, no matter how high the mountain you got to climb, when you get to the top, remain humble, don’t lose who you are, your essence, it’s one thing to improve and a whole other to turn your back. Respect the different and embrace the new that’s probably what Canada is all about, and as thankful I am to be here I know where I came from and where I stand, and I’d hate to see myself turning my back to all the little frames that made me who I am today.

I still have a long way to go but at least I know where I’ve been.

Six Mois!

2009-09-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

thankful.

extremely thankful.

for everyday.

for every breath.

for the people that surround me.

for being here.

thankful.

Life changes like the weather

2009-09-08T17:27:00.000-07:00

It is easy to sail down a path you know, because when after the trees there’s a curve… it’s alright since you already knew it. Of course sometimes the wind is not good or all of the sudden there’s a storm, but as everything else in life, it comes and goes.

Few are those in life, that choose to sail away from their home path and out on the big waters, and when they first get their fingertips wet and get the wind on their faces they feel the freedom blowing so powerful and fast it feels like they can just change the world. And they can indeed. But it takes patience, and time, and strength, oh those tricky little things…

You gotta know though that every different path you choose will lead you to an ocean, it will be sparkly and wide and you will, for sure, feel small when you stand before it, but it will be exciting and new and you will always want more of it. Sometimes the waters will be peaceful and smooth and other times the waves will throw you out of your boat, and you will have no choice but to swim after it. It doesn’t matter how many times you get thrown out of your boat. Swim.

Either you believe or not that there’s a Master behind those waters, it’s really up to you, but the waters will always find their way and so will you.

Undivided

2009-08-31T21:13:00.000-07:00

Some things are meant to be in you forever. As well as some people, they are part of you, of who you are, your essence, your personality, your safe place, your road home… if you plant your love only at one place, it’s safe and sound and you know it’s there all the time because you see it, you touch it. But if you take your love with you and spread it around then you multiply it and have it even more. Believe me, it’s never too much.

Now, what about the love you left behind? It follows you, it’s in you, you can’t touch it, you can’t see it but you feel it, and you feel it even more intense and brighter than before. It’s funny you know, the more you spread the love the more you seem to divide yourself into these pools and then you ask yourself where you really are, and you feel guilty to go and walk away and even with all that love around… your heart breaks.

The more you give, the more you have to give, the more people want from you; it’s a circle I guess. There’s not an answer to it all, the only thing that is certain is that wherever you planted your love it will grow and love you back and you will then become one, it doesn’t matter where your wings take you next or where you just find yourself at last.

“Because the world is way too big to be born and to die at the same place.”

Is there a finish line?

2009-08-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

“Something left unfinished is so you can work and grow with it.
Since it’s not the end but a step forward in life”.

I heard someone saying this the other day, and I thought about it and it’s such a true statement. It’s so good to have a wiggle room to move around, step back and look at it, fix it, re-do it, play with it a little bit. Life is so full of windows, opportunities, and different directions to go that I can’t help but breathe in and jump! I love it! I love how it’s not a race, and how it’s okay to make mistakes and try again and just let go if you want to. I love how it all fits together like a perfect puzzle in the end.

But is there really an end? I prefer to think not. I rather look at it as a step towards the bigger picture where you will have the chance to do it all again but with more grace. It can be scary sometimes, lonely, confusing but you’re alive and you can move on over those mountains to a brand new day!

So just wake up, open your eyes and your windows to life, live today and love who loves you, keep your head up on the clouds but your feet on the ground and don’t let anyone, anywhere tell you what to do. You’ve been given the gift of live, use it.

R.I.P. grandpa <3

"Oh the places you’ll go" Dr Seuss

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t.
Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So…
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

It's love.

2009-08-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

Walking randomly with so many thoughts in my mind it would never fit into words, I began to think about my last post here, desperate to find a place to sink in and write out all of it. So I did, I wrote about it, about my Saturday, and how things are changing in a speed I cannot catch up, how what used to matter does not matter anymore, how so many lessons are being taught all at once before I even have the chance to digest the past one…

This might be my fifth attempt to sit down and write about it. It seems I am just not able to put it down in words. So I’ll just live it open lined… I can’t find an end to it because I don’t want it to end.

A passing glance?

2009-07-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

It doesn’t matter what you believe in life, or if you believe in anything. There will come a time that you will think about it, you will reach for something bigger than you, even if it is to blame it. Universe, karma, science, destiny, gods, whatever it is that you think is out there you will unquestionably reach out, kneel or doubt.

We usually reach for it when we are powerless before a mountain we need to overcome or when nothing else we tried worked out, and all these other moments in life when we need a hand or a push to move forward. Been there.

Personal enough, I am not here to impose or argue but I believe in God, I believe in things we can not see, like love. I believe there’s a power inside us and that we can do the impossible. And I am thankful for that each and every moment.

After going to the Rockies this summer and looking at the clearest water you’d think it was painted with a crayon and the outstanding mountains all spread out together in a valley surrounded by little rivers with calm water, you begin to think how amazing is the one who created all that.

The most amazing scenario it’s like walking into a painting in the wall and all the immensity of the overwhelming nature makes you feel so small in front of a world of giants. I love it. How good it is to feel defenseless yet protected. Trying to take it all in I came back from this trip appreciating more and more everyday I have to live.

One step at the time.

But mom, everyone else is doing it!

2009-07-11T21:51:00.001-07:00

Ok. I confess that was never my motto in life, I never cared of what anyone around me was doing, ever. I didn’t have to have my first kiss just because everyone else already had it, or to wear the clothes all the other girls were wearing, or any of the life clichés that happen mostly when you are a teenager. I’ve been pressured to go faster but that didn’t make me move an inch ahead of what I wanted to in any sense of my life.

In fact, when I was a child I had my own little world, most of the times I wasn’t even aware of what was going on with the outsiders. I always had my own pace, my own style, my own principles, my own way of thinking. I was never the most popular kid, but I was certainly the most loved.

It’s funny to look back now and realize that so little had changed. I am not a little girl anymore, although my heart sometimes acts like it, but I still have my own world, it’s bigger, it has more taste to it and a kink of reality because that’s just good sense! It’s got plans, dreams, songs, speeches to myself, the moments I treasure, sunshine and even some bubbles.

Some might say it’s naïve but I like to have it there. It’s not as full as butterflies as it used to be, it has some bumps around the edge and sometimes it fades to gray, and the more I think of it, the closer to the real thing I get. Maybe I never had a different world; maybe I just have different eyes. Maybe I chose to look at the glass as half full. Maybe I like to lay down on the grass and look at the blue skies and just breathe in my life in the very moment. Maybe I do sing along with the songs in my head and I do smell the flowers and appreciate each day. Maybe I do still wait…

So I guess the world is a reflection of what you make out of it.

Happy Birthday Canada!

2009-07-02T22:48:00.000-07:00

I was a volunteer at the Canada Place and Canada Day Parade this last July 1st and although I might still not feel my toes, it was so much fun! I met people from all over the world and got to give away at least a thousand Canada Flags, it was a good day to celebrate this country that open many doors in many lives around the globe. I hope I get to help in many more Canada days to come!

I believe everyone should volunteer, should give some of their time to help around, give a helping hand, do whatever it’s needed to help, as someone I look up to a lot said someday “one soul at a time” and if we all do a little a whole lot can be done! So what if you don’t get paid, it opens doors for you in many other ways! Plus it’s a great feeling to be able to be useful out there in the real world.

I am happy. I am still trying to sense all these feeling rushing trough me, but I guess once you take one first step towards the journey of your life you’ll never be the same. It takes courage to face it but it’s gotta be worth it. Very proud of Patty and Renan for being willing to make the difference in their lives and take the difference with them and pass on to others. I am happy for both of you, after all you’re my people <3

O Canada!Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,O Canada,
we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

A whole lot of leavin'

2009-06-30T16:29:00.001-07:00

I close my eyes and picture your hand with mine.

As I find myself stuck in between two worlds I wonder how worth it is. Is it really possible to get the best of both worlds? I used to have control over it but right now I have my doubts, and what if I am right?

Times like these make me feel so small and so powerless. Not to be able to be there with one of the most important people in my life. My real friend, my sister by heart, one of the few people that know me completely, my secrets, my fears, my dreams and has always, no matter what been by my side. All I wanted right now was just to be there to hold her hand and I can’t, I am not. And I know she knows right now how much I wanted to give her a hug and tell her it will be okay. How much I am crying with her right now and the way she’s the one I want by my side when this ever happen to me.

They said it would be hard, but they never really tell you how hard it is to have to make all these choices, between your dream and the people that love you for real. The ones that will remain standing when all the rest fade away. All I know is that if I had a choice at this exact moment I would go running without looking back or doubting for even a minute to let go of what I have. It’s just so hard now to have my pot of gold and not be able to share with the ones I love the most.

Never thought it would be this hard. Te amo muito my friend, it may never be completely okay again but I want you to know I will always be there, if not in person, by heart and soul. I know you know how much I wanted to be with you right now. May God be with you at this very moment.

Vancouver, June 21st 2009 Coldplay Concert

2009-06-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

Rain of Butterflies!

Come up to meet you,

Tell you I'm sorry,

You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,

Tell you I need you,

Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,

And ask me your questions,

Oh let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,

Comin' up tails,

Heads on the science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,

It's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin',

At numbers and figures,

Pullin' the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,

Science and progress,

Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,

Come back and haunt me,

Oh on I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,

Chasin' our tails,

Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,

Oh it's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm goin' back to the start.

Download:
http://www.coldplay.com/lrlrl/lr.html

I have a thing for ferryboats!

2009-06-03T22:30:00.001-07:00

What do you do if it’s raining out? Or if you’re having a lazy day bummin’around with your PJ’s on? Well I watch sitcoms, I like it more than movies I guess, don’t get me wrong I am a big fan of the whole movie scene and big screen with popcorn but I just love sitcoms! It’s actually something I avoid watching because once I start a new one from the very first episode of the first season then I am hooked and I can’t stop watching until I reach that very last episode.

I usually watch some random episodes on TV and that’s it but there’s some that I love so much, every single character and I have all the seasons to watch over and over again, of course I guess everyone’s favorite or at least mot people’s is F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I mean it’s my ultimate favorite, can’t get enough of it. Every time I watch I have a new favorite character, although if I really have to pick I’d marry Chandler like tomorrow so Matt Perry if you’re out there I am available.

And then I started to watch Gilmore Girls which is funny but very intelligent, every time you watch an episode you get a joke in a different way and I love how the girls are not just like the typical small city girls and how their lives do NOT revolve around men and how independent and smart it is. And I might be a big push for how caffeine addicted I am and Lauren Graham is my very personal favorite actress ever, plus if Stars Hollow was nothing but a studio I’d love to visit the Dragonfly Inn.

But why am I making a post about TV shows? Because I just found out I love Grey’s Anatomy and I had to shout it out. It’s got to be the best medical drama ever. I mean E.R. who? Ok hands down to HOUSE which is also a very intelligent but too-heroic-and-too-sarcastic. Grey’s gotta have the best music selection ever and oh the drama! Maybe it’s over the top drama but I love it, plus the Mc eye candy! It’s another very intelligent show and the themes and quotes are very well written.
Anyway I am picky for TV but that’s just great entertainment people, I know I want a Mcdreamy for my Mclife! Ha!

This is now

2009-06-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

When the plane landed in Charles de Gaulle it was almost midnight. The metro in Paris closes around this time. By the time I got my luggage and walked past the million hallways leading to the gates, the place was dead, the night was dark and icy cold, like December nights usually are. I was meeting my dad and he wasn’t where we had agreed to meet anymore, probably because my flight was three hours late and he was wondering around looking for me. So I tried contacting him and the hotel where the rest of us were and nothing, no luck. I was all alone in an empty airport with some weird people walking around and with no contact. If there was a right time to freak out it would be it.

So I put myself together and went to look for my dad that had to be somewhere at that airport. I noticed a guy about my age sleeping over his backpack on the floor and I passed him a couple times coming and going with no luck finding anyone or any help. Around 3am I had to stop because I was so tired. That’s when I found a phone in the information booth and called my mom in the hotel to let her know I was alright, after that I just sat down and hoped that my dad was ok and just lost as I was as well.

So as I sat hopeless staring at the floor, the sleeping-on-his-backpack guy came and sat beside me, he saw a Canadian flag on my backpack and started to speak English to me. He told me his story, that a friend had stood him up for New Year’s Eve, that he flew from the States to meet him and he never showed up, that he had no money and no place to sleep because his credit card got stuck into an ATM machine. So there we were, two strangers from two completely different parts of the world that, should these events hadn’t happened to us, would probably just had walked past each other.

He was my angel that night, he distracted me, made jokes when I was getting nervous about not knowing where in the world my dad was, we took turns sleeping, shared some chocolate and morning finally came and we took a cab to my hotel. We helped each other and spent the New Year’s together. My dad was also in the airport but in other terminal. But the thing is, I was not alone, I am never alone, somehow there’s always someone there in the most unexpected ways to pick me up, to talk me through the night, to kiss me better, coincidence? I think not.

It all depends what you believe in, maybe you think we were in the right place at the right time and that it was a pure coincidence that I couldn’t find my dad and that the ATM machine was broken, well as for me I believe that people get in your life in the exact time they’re supposed to and when you most need them to and there’s a reason for everything, for every leaf that falls down from a tree there’s a reason.

We keep trying to change life and what happens, we want things to have happened before, already or maybe later. We're never satisfied with now, I’ve been trying hard to change this in me, to live the moment and savour whatever it is that I am doing wherever I am doing it and whoever I am doing it with because life is short and we will miss this very moment in a little while.

Could be Blue, Could be Gray

2009-05-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

The beautiful days in the city I love. It’s been sunny, warm and I tell you there’s no better place to be when the sun is shining on the West side of Canada! I can just walk with no destination whatsoever for hours and hours just around. And then I catch myself smiling almost like a reflex to strangers along the way. What they don’t realize is that I am not really smiling at them but at my life. God it’s good to be back!

As everything in life, everyone experiences things in a different way and time. And I am experiencing Vancouver again, for the second time and although it’s the same city, streets, trees… I am different. I see things in a different way and that makes me see this place in a whole different manner as well. I hadn’t realized I had changed so much. Babbling? Maybe, but it’s the truth. The only thing that never changes is that I always knew from day one that this is where I wanted to be for the rest of my life.

These feelings were rushing through my mind as I was riding a bike all around Stanley Park in a beautiful day, the park was full of people rollerblading, running, biking, sun bathing, having fun and I felt so good, so free, I wish I could put down in words what I felt looking far to the ocean until it joined the sky.

And as for all the new faces in my life right now, I know few will stick but I already know the ones that will like we were meant to be somehow. And how good it is to know you’re not alone in the dreams you’re holding? It’s like we met before it all began. I love this feeling of comfort ground. It’s almost like walking in a cold, soft sandy beach.

I am having the time of my life and I am so happy I didn’t let this slip through my hands as I could have done many times over. Never settle for the path of least resistance, so they say. I don’t care what the weather is, if I’ll get wet or have to run for cover. I am here now and I am so extremely happy I can barely keep my mouth from smiling all day long!

"If you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spetacular!"

Attach vs. Detach

2009-05-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

The way up to Whistler from Vancouver is one of the most outstanding landscapes I have ever seen. The mountains are so close to you with the snow on top and the ocean shines with the sun rays. I get overwhelmed looking out of the window, my mind goes far away to the very top of every mountain I see. I feel so small and so happy.

And of course, I lost myself in thought about everything around me and how the pieces are slowly falling back into place, how a different scenario at a same surround is not necessarily bad, and how the things you once feared are so easy to face now. And how, again, time’s been a friend and the normality is starting to set place in my heart again.

.Deep Breath. .Another Mountain. .Closer to the Top.

The thing with me is, I get attached. Not easily, believe me. But I get attach, to a place, to a house, to a gift, and especially to someone. And once I am attached it’s difficult to let go. When I look back the people around me, the ones that actually enchanted me are still around, the same friends and that old and ripped sweater that feels like part of your body. I don’t usually let people in my life, but when I do it’s forever.

That got me thinking about some situations in life when you go too far and get too attached and then it’s so stuck on you that it hurts to detach. You can, of course, let go but it’s not the most fun thing to experience. Then I ask myself, so then why in the world would you ever get attached?

After a silent stare outside of the same window, but with a different mountain staring back at me, I realized that I don’t want to live my life in fear of getting hurt or to have a bunch of “what ifs” and doubts in my mind. I don’t want to leave things unsaid, or not to hug when all I wanted to do was open my arms, I don’t want to be afraid.

I want to live my life in the fullest way I can ever live. And if to be true to myself and the people around me means taking a chance of getting hurt, then so be it. I rather get attached than never knowing how it feels like.

Awesome long-weekend up in Whistler by the way. You rock girlie!

Because I Care

2009-05-11T11:05:00.001-07:00

Just came back from an awesome weekend. It was sunny, green and bubbly.
Gotta love the blue skies with the chilly mountain wind and grass under your feet.

How good is it to hang out with people that make you feel at home? Just simple little gestures that make you feel welcome and loved. You laugh, you breathe, you feel happy to be in your skin and it brings you to life.

It’s funny how so many different people fit so well together, kinda completing each other. Times like these make me still believe in people, in how I need to be around love in my life. Not a needy kinda love but just knowing it is there.

And you can be yourself, which is pretty much the best thing in the world. Just be who you are. I am not capable of fake. I either am or not. I either feel or don’t.

I am SO so extremely happy, I can hardly get a grip of how amazing my life is right now.

ps. Feliz Dia das Mães pra melhor mãe do mundo!!!

Any Other Day

2009-05-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

If I am lost for a day; try and find me

But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me

All of the things that I thought were so easy

just got harder and harder each day.

Star - Calendar Girl

Picture taken by me - London Winter 2008

One of those mornings, when the buzz of the alarm doesn’t wake you up, when the coffee could be stronger, when the rain doesn’t wet your jacket, when your legs keep walking forward as they know the direction, when the words you read make no sense, when as much as you know you shouldn’t be feeling it, you still do. When a stranger pass you by on the sidewalk you care, when a sight of a bird flying brings you to a deep breath, when everything you want is to be here and yet you’re not.

Just one of those mornings…

ps. Don't mind my nonsense posts I've been switched to PMS mode ever since I landed in Canada. ;)

Remember Me?

2009-05-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

Sophie Kinsella

http://www.randomhouse.com/bantamdell/kinsella/

It all started when my cousin told me about these series of books called "Shopaholic" and I thought...well it must be a boring book about a girl who likes to shop?! Nope! It's about an ordinary girl called Becky Bloom, she's a Londoner (gotta love London) and it's just a kind of book you can never put down. I started to read the first one and all i have to say is that now I have the whole collection and I read over and over. It makes me laugh, cry, feel... it's amazing. It's real and the feeling that what you're reading can happen to you any minute is even more exciting...

So, after I pretty much majored in all the Shopaholic Series books I started to look for some other books that S.K. has written and one of the books I just bought is called "Remember Me", the main character is not Becky Bloom anymore but it's Lexi Smart and again it all happens in the streets of London. I have a lovin' spot for London. Always...

If you want a fun reading that makes you want to turn the page and never stop reading then I recommend the author. It's pretty much a only-girls-will-fully-understand kind of book but what do guys know anyway?
It seems like everything that has been happening lately, being a book, a movie, a song, a situation links to my life, somehow.

Here's to my favorite quotes in the very end:

-"You said you needed a memory. A thread linking us to us. Now you have one"

-"If I do, it's the thinnest thread in the world"

-"Well then, hold on to it. Hold on, don't let it snap"

-" I won't"

I don't ever want to let him go again. Out of my arms. Out of my head.

Remember Me by S. Kinsella

Expectations

2009-05-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

"If it's worth give it a shot. If you believe it go for it. Don't give up on the first bump. Fight for it. "

Just have in mind...

If you are expecting for something, you should know it may happen or not.
If you put your trust in something or someone you have to know it’s not only up to you. Both sides have to move, act, realize, want it.

It takes a little while to grip, but you will eventually let it go and just move on. If it’s supposed to happen it will or it just wasn’t meant to be. Just do your part and go on with your life. Don’t stand still waiting for it. It might put you in a vulnerable place you don’t want to be. ever.

Whatever happens tough, do not blame yourself. It was not your issue, not your problem, you went half way, you did your part, whatever you’re not able to control should just meet you in the middle. And if it didn’t, it was not time yet.

Don’t raise your expectations so high in people, the higher you go biggest the fall. Just take everything slow, one step at the time. Just go as far as you can to still grasp the present. Words without actions will fade.

I believe there’s a right time and place for everything. I’ve experienced this many times in my life. I’m writing this for a dear friend of mine and looking at it now it fits quite well for me as well.

Whatever your beliefs and values are in life, believe and value yourself first.

p.s. lovin' my new hair and my piercing!

Stare or Jump?

2009-04-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

look out of the window.
walk barefoot on the grass.
enjoy the sun shinin' down on you.

park the car, ride a bike.

let your hair down.

turn down the Ipod, hear the birds.

get a coffee to go.

take your notebook to the patio.

wear less layers.

smile to people on the streets, it goes full circle.

offer your seat.

greet.

touch more often.

hug it out.

tell people how you feel about them.

change your hair style.

sit on the floor.

turn off the tv, live your own reality show.

if it rains, get wet.

kiss.

it's better to get hurt by love, than not to love.

live each day.

don't miss second chances.

try it.

laugh out loud.

respect the different.

accept the new.

cherish a friendship.

protect your body.

let it be, but don't let it go.

put your heart in, give your all.

fight for the one you love.

enjoy the sunny days...

Vancouver Main Street

2009-04-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Listenin' to: The Fray - How to Save a Life

So, here’s for the first time living in a big city. Yes I have lived close to Vancouver, and walked around the city many times but you can only get the real vibe of a place when you actually live in it. I used to live in Coquitlam, a place surrounded by trees, mountains and houses with lots of space and big backyards. I love it there, I would live there again in a heart beat.

But, I have to say I am loving being close to everything. And to get to know some pieces and bits about Vancouver I did not know before. Just like Main Street, about two blocks from my house in the east side of the city. The streets, packed with town houses are covered with trees and it’s quiet and peaceful, you’d never think that if you’d walk some blocks you’d find the heart of Vancouver.

All the way down Main there are little shops, book stores, antiques, coffee places, local markets, you can find just about anything. Every little door has its unique charm. It’s easily becoming one of my favorite places in here. Just today I went into a bid shop and got the cutest little bids to hang on my bed. It was all handmade and with a story behind them. That’s just way better than going to an around-the-world-store-brand at some mall and getting something everyone else is going to have.

The vintage, old – fashioned restaurants are as good as it sounds. And how great is it to find food from all over the place down in one street? The bubble tea place was packed and I had to try the green tea, which surprisingly was very good, I tend to be kinda picky with drinks, actually I am picky. But that’s a whole other issue.

So I sat down to do some people watching and there were people in a hurry to get somewhere, some Chinese people talking (or could as well be fighting) to one another, some girls jogging with their iPods on, some people at a coffee shop enjoyin’ the sun with their notebooks, a couple strollin’ a baby down the road and looking for new furniture, just a typical day in a chill city. I only walked for a couple blocks but I got in every single store there was and I plan to do that more times.

You can only call yourself a Vancouverite when you walked down Main Street and had a cup of coffee at J J Bean!

Taking Chances

2009-04-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

How would you like to have a script written for your life? To wake up knowing how your day is going to be, your week, your year. That sounds safe, but very dull. I like the sense of choice, to choose a path, even if it’s a different street to walk by to see more trees or to avoid traffic. And I also like the feeling of being free to decide what way would make me smile the most.

Sometimes life throws situations at you, that you were not expecting, when everything is going smoothly, something comes along and you’re torn between choices. But eh, that’s life, it was not on script, not according to plans but it’s here now and it’s real. And then if you are in a crossroad in life with two roads to follow, which one would you choose?

Follow your heart. That’s my personal answer. I try not to look at things as difficult or easy. If it will take time, then be it. If you’ll have to work on it and give your all, do it. If you believe and it’s worth the shot don’t over analyze it. The lessons you learn along the way are never the ones you planned anyway.

Many people want to change their lives but they have to know that in the end it’s really up to them to cross the road. And among those people maybe one will really do what they say, the rest will probably just stay where it’s more comfortable because why change, really? It’s good, NOT great, but good enough. I don’t like good enough, but that’s me.

Of course I already took chances in life, or else I wouldn’t be here right now. And if your choices are what your future will be then make sure to choose what you see when you close your eyes, what you think about when you lay down at night, what gives you butterflies in your stomach, what makes you feel alive, because if you never try you’ll never know how it feels like.

And if something goes wrong along the way, you have the ability to fix it. If you fall, hopefully you’ll have someone by your side to help you stand again. I guess I rather walk down the road to see where it leads than just staring at it wondering what if...

And by the way, I am so in love with the spring right now. I’ll probably go take a walk because it’s sunny, it’s blooming and it’s so pretty!

Savour it

2009-04-24T10:15:00.001-07:00

It amazes me how this city has magic over me, how my heart just goes to it, how I feel that I belong ever since the first time I have set foot in here. I don’t expect anyone to understand, but I already know the ones who will.

Although it depends on what the city means to you, how you feel walking down the streets and what you can get from it. For me it was always about freedom and independence. About building my future, starting again in a completely different set from the one I was born in, to accomplish something good by myself. I don’t believe there has ever been anything I was more sure in my life than to be here.

I found out a while ago that some things have the healing power in my life. Just the other day I had so much on my mind and I went to take a walk at Stanley Park on a sunny day - there’s not a better place to be - I got there and it was stunning, just the way it used to be, but better.

And as I walked alone trying to take everything in and clear my mind for a bit, I just sat at this bench out looking the city. I don’t remember how long I was seated there for but I knew I never wanted to leave. It’s good to know that even when it’s all so tangled up, somehow I feel better just being here.

I’ve been reading a book where a girl gets into an accident and loses her memory, she can only remember the things that really touched her heart, and a trip to Paris is all that comes to her mind, and that’s where the most meaningful things happened in her life. She knows it will take her a while to have everything back in place but until then she’ll be okay because she has Paris.

And I guess for me, well I’ll always have the city where the mountains kiss the ocean…that’s how I know it will be okay.

Frame of Time

2009-04-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

Time. I used to think of time as an enemy, something I didn't want to acknowledge or even think about. Just the thought of having to face time would make my mind spare. But how do you hide from it? It will always find you. Always chase you. Always be with you.

You can’t hold time. You can’t make it stand still. I swear, if I could, I would freeze some moments in time. I had to learn to accept time as a friend, something that makes you understand, it makes you stronger, it makes you grow. It always comes on the right set, even when you think otherwise. And strangely enough, only time can show you that it wasn’t in fact the right time.

And how hard is it to wait for the right time, for a better time. Maybe the greater lesson of my life so far, to wait. It can be tricky to wait for something you want with all your soul, you have to let go, but only so far that you can still reach – maybe just to look at it sometimes – until the day comes that you can grab it with both hands.

You only know that something is real when it stands through the time. When after all the while is still there, somehow, and why try to understand? If it still remains there’s a reason and only time will tell.

Me, well I am happy to find that all the love I took with me, also stayed behind in the eyes of the ones that matter. And I look up to and respect those people so much and they don’t even know how their warmth makes the whole difference in my life. Especially, of course, from someone I’ve seen turned into an awesome person but to me will always be a little girl.

I guess this proves that if you give your all to something or someone it will come back to you. Few are the people I love for real and I am so unbelievably blessed to have them in my life.

Because in the end, all we need is love.

Rainy Days

2009-04-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

It's not very easy to get used to the rain when you had sunshine for so long. You kinda think it's wet and cold and, of course, you forgot your umbrella. But then the clouds open to a blue bright sky and you kinda forget why you were buzzin' about.

I guess just like the drops falling down on you, so is life pourin' down on you. You never know what's waiting around the corner. But it's never going to be only sunshine, so I guess we should alway be prepared? Or maybe just dance in the rain while waiting for the blue skies. I think I like the second option better.

So all this babblin' about is because I am back to a new start. It would be SO much easier to just go back to the start, where things used to be not so complicated. Where everything was there to be touched and nothing was sacred. But right now, well everything's changed. Never thought they wouldn't. But also never thought it would be this hard.

It's hard to get used to the same thing. To start again. To realize that the world was still goin' around on this side of the world. To walk down the same streets again, the places that keep so many of your thoughts from a little while ago, and somehow does it feel like yesterday? Do I still have the same things on my mind? Probably not or actually pretty sure so.

If I am still the same, can all the rest also be? There's just so much on my mind right now. All I know is that as hard as it is and will be I am here, where I always wanted to be. And this feeling of belongin' when I stare at the ocean... that could never change.

In such a small frame of time I've already had moments I will remember for the rest of my life. And I guess that's all that really matters in the end. And as a song that has been on my mind goes:

"Nobody said it was easy. Noone ever said it would be this hard. I'm goin' back to the start".

the meaning of love in my life